


Three Words

by queenofcats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drabble, I Just Have a Lot of Feels, M/M, chapter 84 spoilers, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:58:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7693987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofcats/pseuds/queenofcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They twinkle, the stars. They twinkle and glitter and shine like the fake crystals on a cheap whore's costume. <br/>Levi stares up at the first star he found all those years ago. It's the brightest one in the deep blue of the sky, like a spot of paper left blank inside an inky mess, and it calls to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Words

**Author's Note:**

> So I have a lot of feelings about chapter 84. Personally I wish it had never happened, because Erwin is my husband, but whatever. He's finally got some rest, and he's with his father, and Mike again.  
> Anyway, I needed to imagine something slightly nicer to take away the pain.

They twinkle, the stars. They twinkle and glitter and shine like the fake crystals on a cheap whore's costume. 

Levi stares up at the first star he found all those years ago. It's the brightest one in the deep blue of the sky, like a spot of paper left blank inside an inky mess, and it calls to him.

'I'm proud of you, my son.'

Then there's the two slightly smaller stars nearby. They came later, he spotted them while he was here, at the base. They call to him too, slightly weaker but calling just the same.

'Don't forget us, big bro.'

'We still miss you.'

Four more. Only one star speaks, she knows how to talk to him, always has done. The other three are awkward, and don't know what to say aside from heartfelt military salutes.

'We devoted ourselves to you, our brave Captain.'

A few stars in between, one that simply sniffs at him and smiles, one that simply smirks at him, and one that tells him to take good care of Hange.

He stands up, refusing to look at the final star. It thanks him anyway, and he can practically see that smile, that tired, almost-defeated-but-not-quite smile. 

"They seem brighter tonight, don't you think?" Hange says, putting their hand gently on his shoulder. He nods, words aren't something that will come out easily right now, especially not the three that count. It doesn't matter, he tells himself. He can't hear you say them.

 

Military burials usually aren't anything much, nor are the funerals they hold. But this is different, this is for a Commander. 

A wooden box, glossy mahogany and gold edges - he wouldn't have wanted that, wouldn't have wanted any of this - and white lilies lie on top. It's lowered into the ground as women sob and children wonder what sort of important man gets buried like this. What must he have done to deserve it, they question. 

Levi doesn't go. He refuses. The funeral isn't what he would have wanted, and he can't stand the hypocrisy of those in attendance, aside from those who knew him. The nobles, for example, who spent all those years treating him like shit, like he was an idiot who sucked up their money like a flea sucks up blood, and no more pleasant than one either. They're there, he knows, talking, smiling. 

"He was a great man", they'll say. "He did a lot for us."

He could have done more if they'd felt that way to begin with, Levi thinks. He wouldn't have died if they had.

And the civilians, the ones who threw things at him, the ones who jeered behind his back and to his face. They're all there, crying and wailing and muttering amongst themselves about how he was a brave man and so very good with the kids. 

He could have had kids of his own, Levi thinks. He would have been the perfect father, but he didn't get that chance. And as much as he blames the idiots who attend the funeral, he knows he has only himself to blame.

"More tea?" Hange asks. They're back from the funeral, they had to be there as the new Commander, and they're both sitting there, drinking tea as if nothing has happened.

Levi nods. He eats, drinks, does what he must to try and fill the emptiness inside him. He has no direction now, no meaning to anything he fights for. The only reason Levi was in the Survey Corps was him, and he fought on his behalf. Levi was the sword, and he was the swordsman.

But that matters not now. Hange, after everything finished, told him he was free to leave. He's no longer a Captain, declined any honours or medals or shitty little things designed to make him feel like he's a good person. He is most certainly not a good person, and he can't wait to go to hell, where he might finally be able to admit those three little words.

 

The grave, thank fuck, is plain. His headstone is a simple grey chunk of rock carved into a rounder shape, complete with a boring inscription with name, dates and other important bits. Levi wonders if the maggots have got to his body yet - no, not maggots, it's too soon - and then his mind is filled with images of them, white and writhing and pushing their way past lifeless blue eyes, past pale lips, past finely wrinkled tanned skin. 

He puts down flowers. It's sentimental, but at least for the first time there's actually a grave to visit, a reminder that he lived that's more than just his badge, which Levi wears in his chest pocket - not because it's close to his heart, no, but because it's the easiest place to put it, he tells himself - more than just a shitty piece of fabric that barely smells like him past the tangy iron-and-earth smell. The flowers, oh they are beautiful. 

"My father always bought my mother flowers." He can hear him say it now, as though it was a moment ago that they had this conversation. "Daffodils and primroses. Always daffodils and primroses. There was a language, of flowers, that they used to have before the Walls. Do you know what those flowers mean?"

Levi shakes his head, hoping that if he continues the conversation right here, right now, he might rise up out of his grave and answer with this.

"They mean 'You're the only one', and 'Eternal love'."

The words come out of Levi's mouth instead, because fuck, he couldn't have handled it if there was silence. But they're six words too many than what he means to say. 

 

He travels. It's nicer, quieter, easier this way. If he doesn't stay in one place too long, there's no risk of anyone finding him, giving him their condolences or whatever the fuck people want with him nowadays. He's just an old man, an old man who used to be somebody. 

There's one night, a few days into his travels, where he swears he hears a voice in the forest. That's where he sleeps for the first few days, on a branch in the forest. 

"Levi." he hears, in that baritone. He doesn't dare turn, doesn't dare look around. 

He just pulls the covers over him a little bit tighter, and pretends that he didn't hear anything. 

Every night, he looks up at the sky. Every night, the voices get a little louder, the stars shine brighter, and he knows he needs to rest. He missed his chance to reply to his voice, missed the chance to tell him those three words he so desperately needs to say.

 

"Captain." A salute, and a grin. Eren Jaeger has grown up. He looks like a man, now, tall and broad shouldered, the adolescent curves on his face have melted away into a strong adult jaw. His eyes, though, are still just as young. 

Armin and Mikasa are with him, both equally grown up. Levi is proud of them, for what it's worth. They all deserved better than what they had as teenagers, they deserve the life they have now. It's peaceful now. 

"Eren." Levi nods. He knows he looks old, he knows that the wrinkles on his face look like deep carvings in marble or something equally pale and inhuman. But the trio still regard him as though he is the man he once was, even after everything that happened. They understood, eventually, of course. Once Armin was definitely safe, once it was clear why Levi wouldn't necessarily want that outcome. "Armin, Mikasa." he nods. 

"Hange said that you were a bit of a hermit nowadays. I didn't want to believe them, but it seems it's true." Eren grins. Levi shrugs. 

They're in a field, in an old abandoned cabin that Levi's been staying in for the past few days. He knew it was too close to where the Walls used to be, knew they'd find him somehow.

Once the kids - no, they're not kids anymore - begin to leave after an hour of reminiscing and talking, Armin touches his forearm gently. "You know as well as I do, Captain, that he deserved better than what he got. If I could go back and change things..." 

Armin doesn't need to say anymore. It's clear he still feels guilty.

"He's at peace now. He deserved a rest." Levi replies. They both know the three words that fuel it. 

 

It comes one night, all of a sudden. His eyes have long since failed him, and so he can't see the stars. But he knows they're there, he can hear them calling. 

It comes all of a sudden, but it happens very slowly. He's tired, so very tired, and he climbs into the bed that sits in the corner of the poky little hut he's claimed as his own. It warms his aching body up quickly, and he smiles, content. 

'Come on, son.' he hears, and clutches his mother's bear tightly. She'd made it for him, a small stuffed toy that had lasted so long. More than sixty years, he thinks. It's an old man bear. 

'You deserve a break. Even Farlan says so.' Two badges, that he sewed onto the bear himself, back when his fingers could still function right. They're pressed close to his heart, it thuds slowly, weakly through the bony-ribs-and-pigeon-chest cage that keeps it safe, like a dying bird. 

'He misses you.' the next voice says, and he nods, oh how he nods. He knows so very well that Petra would be the one to tell him so, would be the one to worry about feelings and all that other shit. Those badges occupy the back of the bear, no less important than the front two. 

'Yeah, he wants your scrawny ass up here as--'

"Fuck off, Mike." he chuckles to himself, shaking his head. He didn't manage to get his badge, doesn't even know where his body would be if there was anything left. But he has his memories, and they're proof enough that Mike lived.

'Kid, I never thought I'd get here. Always thought I'd be down in hell. But if anyone deserves a star, that ain't already got one, it's you. I taught you well.' Levi frowns at that voice, at his uncle talking to him like he cares, and rolls over in bed. It's hard to move. 

'Hange says--'

'I can speak for myself, you know.' He can see their smile, sees it so very clearly through the dark fog that obscures his vision. 'We all miss you, and we all want you here, shorty.'

He nods again, nods because he knows that he needs to go soon, needs to be with everyone again. 

The final star doesn't speak straight away. Instead, he feels a hand, warm and slightly calloused, brush over his cheek. He clutches the bolo tie tightly, and the badge. Neither are enough to stop him crying, though, and he sobs silently as a kiss is pressed against his forehead.

"Erwin," he says, through his tears. "I'm so tired."

"Then sleep, Levi. You deserve it more than I did. You deserved better than what I gave you." And it sounds like he's there, warm breath tickling his ear, soft smile audible.

Levi closes his eyes, two kisses on each eyelid as he does so, unspoken words on his lips as he finally finds peace.

Three words. 

"I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. All mistakes are my own. Kudos/comments are appreciated.


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